Trusting Others

This is a photo of my ex-husband and his mother. It looks like she has a lot of thoughts (or worries) running through her mind.

I couldn't get the cast on because I am having problems with the stitches. Hopefully, by next week the doctor can take them out and then put on a full cast. He told me to get crutches. He said, You can either buy crutches for 700 pesos or rent them for 350 pesos for six weeks and I suggest you rent them. You won't need them any longer than six weeks.

I rented them. Being the frugal person that I am and also as a vote of confidence in my healing powers. I don't want to have to hop around for longer than six weeks. I am already going to miss an entire three weeks of swimming in the beautiful pool up at El Parque. I house sit there in November. Fortunately, it is for a cat and most cats HATE to be walked. They mostly take care of themselves.

Like a cat, I have been taking care of myself for many years and the hardest part for me of this kind of injury is having to depend on others. I hate to ask for help. I hate to not be in control of my own responsibilities. I hate to worry about if things are being taken care of that are of vital importance to me. For example, being pushed up a steep ramp in a wheel chair with the awful knowledge that one mistake on the part of the person wheeling me up could mean another huge injury for me.

This is a good lesson for me in learning to trust. Do you remember years ago when the encounter groups would do an exercise in trust? People would circle around someone and that someone would then have to fall backwards and trust that the person behind would catch him or her? This is how I feel right now..... I am quickly learning which people to trust and which ones to not trust.  It is a matter of survival for me to know these things right now.

I don't like to have to make those kinds of judgments. If I don't need anyone to take care of my survival needs then I can happily go on and trust everyone up to a certain point. Now I have to let others closer into my personal world and I am much more vulnerable. I understand much better about elderly people feeling distrustful of their helpers. It is hard to know which ones to trust and which ones to look out for.

I remember my 95 year old ex-mother-in-law trusted no one. My ex husband and our son and our son's wife took care of her for many months before she passed away. She didn't trust any of them. Well, maybe she trusted the men. She didn't remember their names. She referred to her grandson as the Big One and sometimes she called her own son by her deceased husband's name.  For some reason a woman was more of a threat to her than a man.

I remember how she would ask for her purse and hold it tightly to her as my ex-husband would wheel her from her bedroom to any other room in the house. She always thought someone had stolen something from her if it had been moved when she came back into the room. She was like a hawk. But now I can see why. She was afraid and fear causes mistrust.

I must learn not to be so fearful. And not to be so afraid of falling again. My ex-mother-in-law had fallen and broken her hip before they moved her up to live with the entire family. My ex-husband could no longer do it all alone. That may have been another reason for all her fears, which seemed so unfounded to anyone watching her. She was surrounded by loved ones. She was extremely lucky to have them, yet she couldn't see it.

I hope I am learning some valuable lessons during this time. Otherwise, it all just feels like a waste of my life as these beautiful days slide by without me out in them.  I will never take walking for granted again. Of course I said the same thing after my operation two years ago on my knee. But after I was well I thought of other life problems and forgot about gratitude in just being able to walk.

  I remember looking out the hospital window when I was sixteen years old and had my appendix out. I said, I will NEVER take being out in the sunshine for granted again. But of course I almost immediately forgot that promise and took my healthy life for granted as soon as it returned. Like childbirth, we quickly forget the pain. If we didn't we probably wouldn't have the faith and courage to continue living.   So, my advice to all of you today is this, Appreciate every moment of your health and of your days here on earth. They will be gone soon enough......

Forgive me for my preaching......I have been sitting in this bed too long and see weeks more ahead of being in the same position. I envy people just the simplest act of walking in my casita on two legs with no pain and walking out again to go on with their everyday lives...