The end for now

My blog program no longer works. I tried to add a photo today and it wouldn't go on. So, for now, until I can find another way to do this blog. I can't use this. Also my son is fine. No covid. I am fine. No covid. That is the important thing. Thank you all for your love and support through these years. Maybe one day if I can get computer help, i can revive it again. And maybe by then, I will have something to write about. I can't even correct spelling errors anymore on this. Thanks. P

Morning thoughts

I am still here. Still alive and well. Still fighting off depression. And so I am not writing much on the blog. There is just too much bad in the world right now. We all are doing the best we can to make it to the other side of this pandemic. Yesterday my son, who lives in Kansas, answered his phone when I called and said he was on his way to get a covid test. As his mother, that was upsetting. I asked if he was sick. He said. no. But it is free so I am getting one. He sounded well. But now there are a few anxious days ahead of waiting for the result of that test. His wife is a nurse at the VA hospital. So they are both at risk. It is especially difficult for me because my son and daughter-in-law mean so much to me. I think, like most parents, I would change places with him or her if that were possible. But of course, covid makes all the choices. Okay, now I have quickly slid into the negative thoughts and this is exactly why I am not writing much these days. It is hard enough having to be alone with my thoughts but worse to share them . One last comment before I go. Are any of you having vivid dreams? I am having so many vivid dreams about people from my past and even people I have never met. Being in places I have never seen. Being all ages. As if my past and my dreams are more real than my present. I wonder if it has anything to do with being isolated and not able to relate to people on any meaningful level. Maybe it is just a normal craving for life as it once was and hopefully will be again one day. Hopefully, before I die. Or maybe this is what happens when a person is old, like me now, and reviewing the past. Making amends for past mistakes and trying to make peace with them and people we have hurt or mistreated along the way. It will probably be awhile until I write again. I will wait for something uplifting to share. And one more thing. They changed this site and now I can no longer make new paragraphs. It all runs together. Sorry.

lunch

Nothing new in my life. Just waiting out this pandemic. At least I hope to make it through. I am swimming three days a week. This afternoon I bought these delicious homemade tacos from my neighbor. She opened a stand out on the sidewalk.

A narrow vision

My world has become very small. As the pandemic expands, my life shrinks. Hard to tell by what goes on in my neighborhood. The only difference I see from a year ago is all the masks now. The Mexicans have finally started wearing them. The bus drivers won't let people on without masks. Of course, often they are pushed soon down to the neck after people sit down. But it is mostly business as usual here. No let up. Restaurants are busy. Stores are crowded. Life goes on as usual. But not mine. I am trying to be a good girl. The symptoms of corona virus scare me. I have had pneumonia and not been able to breathe deeply. It is a terrible feeling. Plus, I am not ready to die yet.

I vaguely remember the thousands of photos I have taken in the past of festivals, events, parades with dancing horses, restaurant meals, friends. Everything imaginable. Now all I have to share are four photos. The first one is of the late afternoon light coming in my bedroom window. The second is of a bored dog. The third is of a bored cat. (Yes, I believe that my animals are also very bored.) And the last one is of flowers from my garden that I put in styrofoam cups at my kitchen window.

Not much to offer. Just feeding my blog, trying to keep it alive too. It is all about maintaining these days.

Good news. This coming Sunday I get to go to the dentist for part two of a four part root canal series. At least I will be noticed and touched and have something different to do. My life has definitely gone downhill.

An experiment

I am bored. So this afternoon I tried an experiment. Making a video of my back garden and seeing if I can get it on here. The music in the background is from my neighbor. And this is one of their quieter times. Some days I can't even sit in my garden because the music is blasting out, and even into all the rooms of my house. At least they are playing mellow songs today.

I got a shot of my cat. I just put medicine in her eye. I would say that is why she is so passive. But she is an old cat and mostly she is sleeping. I caught her right after her dinner. She is already back to sleep.

Morning thoughts

I haven't written for awhile so I am just checking in, feeding the blog so it doesn't die completely. I don't like to write when I have nothing to say and am depressed. We all have our downs. No reason for me to inflict mine on anyone else.

It is morning and it is still dark outside. There is a rolling thunder going on overhead. It doesn't stop. You know how a plane sounds when it comes in low. That is how this thunder sounds with no break. It has been going on for a couple of hours. Very unusual.

 My cat woke me up as she cried around the house. She only settled down after I got up and sat at the i pad. I had already fed her an hour earlier so she wasn't hungry. Maybe all this noise was upsetting to her. She is now snoozing next to me. And of course, I am wide awake. I would have loved a couple of extra hours of sleep. But my cat is more important to me than sleep. I don't know what I would do without the company of my animals.

I never see any friends. The only people I interact with these days are the check out women at the local grocery store and the man who takes my temperature before I can get in the pool area. Last evening the police truck rolled down my street again, telling everyone to stay inside. I hadn't heard it for quite a few days.

The local paper warned us that we might go into lockdown again because the virus cases have been going up. It is alarming to see two hundred more deaths every time I check the count online, which is every day. But even more alarming is looking at the news from the USA. I need to quit doing that.

I have been walking to the pool and swimming three days a week. I hope that isn't taken away from me if they lockdown again. It has been a lifesaver for me. Good luck to everyone out there. Hope you stay safe and well.

Night thoughts

It is July fifth and I did nothing worth mentioning today. And on July Fourth, what at one time was one of my favorite holidays, I went to the dentist for a root canal. That is a long ways from watching fireworks with loved ones after a picnic in the park.

I am glad this weekend is almost over. It is easier to handle ordinary days that have no expectations.
A holiday puts events under too bright of a light. And my mind drifts back to all the other same named holidays in my life. Seventy five of them. Of course, I don't remember every holiday. But I will remember this one as the day I had to go to the dentist for a root canal.

 No watermelon on a blanket  in the park. No barbecued hot dogs. No fireworks. No friends or family. Just the background sounds of terrible news coming from my i pad. I really should not listen to it. It is a poor substitute for human warmth. It is no substitute. It is the opposite. Just cold sounds that stir up fear. And make me feel even more isolated.

This evening as I turned on the news, against my decision not to do that, I heard another song by the Sons of New York. Again, it was the ad before the news. The song is titled, American Dream. The words and images fit perfectly for this holiday weekend.  It helped me to step outside of myself enough to see this Fourth of July from a different perspective. Less personal. More inclusive.

 It also made me think that I am not alone in these feelings of fear and isolation. Many people may be having the same feelings. This is not the usual Fourth of July holiday. Maybe more along the lines of a root canal instead of a picnic in the park with loved ones. God help us all!

the tomato truck

The tomato truck came by just now. Two kilos for less than a dollar. And they are very good and sweet. Last batch I made tomato soup and tomato sauce. Now I have something to do today.

Morning thoughts

I haven't been on here much because there is nothing I can write that is any new or different from what was going on in my life a month ago or two or three months ago. Every day is just a repeat of the day before. Except that I am walking half an hour to the pool and swimming an hour and walking home again. But lately there has been too much rain in the mornings to do that.

The only people I see are at the local grocery store or passing on the street.  I did have a knock on my door two days ago. That surprised me. I opened the door to a salesman who was trying to get me to buy funeral services. He handed me his flyer. He looked like he had hit the jackpot. An elderly expat. The perfect consumer of their death services during this pandemic. I just said that I didn't speak Spanish and I shut the door in his face. I saw on the flyer that I could have bought their services on time. Three years and no interest. I wonder how they collect from a dead person.

My fish Veracruz

This is one of my favorite dishes. And today I finally made it just the way I like it. With lots of cooked veggies and capers and green olives.

It has been raining every night but by late morning the sun is usually out. Chico has been walking with me to the pool and waiting in the yard while I swim. He seems much healthier. I thought that his extra fat and slow movement was caused by old age. It was just lack of exercise! Same with me.....
We both are getting better. Now if I don't die of the virus, I may be buying myself a few extra years of this great life.  I will never regret moving to Mexico.

Rainy night thoughts

Looks like the rainy season is here. We are having a storm right now. Thunder, lightening and lots of rain. My goal is to learn how to enjoy this season. There are too many months of it not to do that.

The corona virus is spreading. I look at the numbers of deaths in Jalisco every few days. It was over four hundred today. The police trucks come by in the evenings with their loud speakers blasting out in Spanish and English for us to stay home. Few people pay any attention to the warnings.

I couldn't stand to stay inside any longer. I was going crazy. I joined a pool that is within walking distance of my house and three days a week I walk with Chico for half an hour, swim for an hour and walk home. My entire state of mind has changed. I no longer feel like life isn't worth living. Maybe I will get the virus and I won't live as long as if I had stayed locked away but at least I will die happy.

I try not to get irritated at all the people I meet on the path who refuse to wear masks. Or else they wear them on their necks, not covering any part of their faces. I would say that well over fifty percent of the Mexicans have chosen to do that. And twenty percent of the expats. I know that masks are very uncomfortable. But so is having the virus.

Three days ago, a man on a bicycle was crossing the carretera and he was killed. I didn't see the accident. I passed the scene about an hour after it happened. I saw the mangled bike and then a body that was covered by a blanket along the side of the road. I saw a foot sticking out of the blanket. A man's foot.

The police were there and the road was blocked off. No one was paying any attention to the body. When I returned, two hours later, the body was still there, being ignored. So three hours had passed with the body there. Ignored. A sadness welled up within me. What if that were my son? Ignored in death along the side of the road.

It also put into perspective my irritation with the people not wearing their masks. Life is so tenuous! Precious! Fleeting! Gone in a moment. I must be kinder to those I pass on the path and smile under my mask, not frown because their faces aren't covered. They, or I, might not be here tomorrow.

Video

I went to a site on you tube and this video came up as the ad. It brought me to tears. If you haven't seen it yet, please do. I am not able to post the link directly. But just go  to you tube and look for Sons of New York--Jesus was a person of color. Be sure to watch the one with the video and not just the song.

Morning thoughts

I am sitting in front of my i pad with no idea of what to write. Too much is going on in the world now for me to make sense of it. Total Chaos. How to make personal sense and have peace in the midst of a world in chaos. For me, just walking out my door and down the street might mean getting a virus that would kill me. But I watch on the news, thousands of people all over the world, gathering in large groups to contest police violence. Those visuals make me feel like a coward for being afraid of just walking to the grocery store.

I have never participated in any protests. Large groups make me claustrophobic. Another reason to feel cowardly. So I sit here every day, glued to the news, wondering if I were given the opportunity to join a protest, would I do it? Unfortunately, in my heart I know the answer. No. My fear of getting the  corona virus and dying a horrible death would overshadow my courage.

So I sit here in my house, watching the brave ones out in protest. I have no words of wisdom. No solutions. Just staying alive. And sometimes I wonder, why? What am I living for if not to reach out to others?

Afternoon ramblings

All over Mexico there are small taco stands. One just opened up two doors from my house. They are very good and cheap.

Morning thoughts

Memorial for those who have gone before us. The white rose.

Morning thoughts

I am still in lockdown along with all the other people sixty and over in this area. I do go out in the early mornings to take Chico for a short walk and if necessary, buy a few groceries. So far, I have not been stopped by the police.

My landlord hasn't returned  to finish his construction job. I am not unhappy about that at the moment because I am just getting over all the other clean up. I may be unhappy if he hasn't filled in those holes he made in the wall before the rainy season. I may have an unusable upstairs deck.

I have been doing a lot of work on my back yard. With the help from my friend, Dudley. Thank you Dudley!

Here are some photos and of my kitchen and back yard. Hope you are all doing well!

Morning thoughts

I have been too distracted and depressed to write on the blog. Being inside all the time is driving me nuts. The stay at home order is over tomorrow for everyone except sick people and people over sixty. We are supposed to stay Inside until the end of the month but I won't be surprised if they extend it again. Maybe they will extend it for us until they get a vaccine. Maybe years from now. Maybe the rest of my life!  Don't have many years left and I hate to think it might be spent locked up in this house. So that is a big reason for my depression!

And Marie, a friend from many years back, passed away.  Her daughter let me know. Marie and I were friends from about 2008. Our sons were friends first. Marie followed me down to Mexico after she got her house sold and took care of her business.  I have many photos of her in the first part of my blog. Nothing in the past few years because we had a falling out. But her death still hit me hard.

Sometime it is more difficult when there are unresolved issues. I had an opportunity to reach out to her several months ago when her son was visiting but I didn't  take it. I didn't want to get back into all the conflict. I didn't know she was so sick. Now it is too late!

Added to all this, two weeks ago, it rained and I had a leak over my bed. The landlord came in with saws, mallets, a helper and rattled my house and tree in the front for a day and left everything in shambles. Tree limbs were all over my sidewalk and street. Rubble upstairs on my deck was in a big pile and dirt was filtering into my entire house. Four big holes had been pounded into the deck wall. And no landlord.

Finally, a few of days ago, after I had already spent days stuffing tree limbs and rubble into big bags, and hauling them to the dump on the corner, he returned and cut off even more tree limbs. And left again.  Still left holes in the wall on the deck. Then two days later, he returned and hauled away the other limbs. From a small leak over my bed, it progressed into two weeks of a construction zone. I mean deconstruction zone.

I have been too exhausted to do any more cleaning. I have done too much mopping and hauling and cleaning surfaces. And still there is dust coming into all my rooms from the deck. If It hadn't been for my friend, Dudley, coming over to help, I would have given up and just walked away!

 I have rested for two days now and I am starting to make peace with the loss of my friend. And I am slowly recovering from all the chaos both inside my house and Inside my head and heart.

But I am still in lockdown. Sick and tired of cooking and cleaning.

These are the reasons that I haven't been writing. I was completely overwhelmed with sadness, frustration and exhaustion. But I am still alive. Just beat up in every way! I am one of the lucky ones.

Morning thoughts

Another day of  lost time. What day is it? What is the date?  What is the month? It is all the same to me. I enjoyed receiving all the coronavirus cartoons and jokes that my friends sent me. One in particular. I can't remember the exact wording. The meaning was, after being just with my own company for several weeks,  I apologize to anyone who has had to spend time with me in the past.

I have been worried that my internet  would be cut off. Skype is my only way of calling out and the internet has been my constant companion all this time. The office where I pay was closed down for about a month. I had no idea of how to pay the bill. Today I checked online and it is open again. So I trudged up there in the heat. Excited that I wouldn't be disconnected. I got there early and had to wait outside behind five other people. When it came to be my turn to go inside, the young woman refused to let me go in. I was wearing a mask. Everyone else had gone in and I could see no reason that I was held there. Finally, I figured it out. She said that no one over sixty was allowed in the store.

I was devastated. How was I going to be able to pay my bill? Someone nearby suggested that I give the money and bill to the woman who was keeping me out. So I did and she paid it for me.  What a relief. As I left I was wondering how she knew I was over sixty with a mask covering most of my face. I guess old age is easy to spot.

Most of the stores were closed. People rarely greet me anymore, even when I greet them first. It is as if each person is encased in a private world, hoping to keep others out. Who knows, maybe the next stranger passing by will have the virus and pass it on to me. It is also hard to know what someone else is feeling behind a mask. Is he or she smiling or scowling at me? Maybe best to just withdraw into myself and pass on by quietly, not acknowledging the other person.

Now I am back home again. At least I know that I will have a communication system for awhile longer.

Morning thoughts

Another day stuck in the house. But I made more kombucha. This time with fresh mango inside. Today was another sourdough disaster. Instead of throwing away yet another batch of flour, I decided to try adding yeast to the mix. In other words, I cheated! But it worked immediately. I think is too hot to slice. I won't know until then if it is edible but it was nice to see it rise. I hated failing so many times.

A friend told me yesterday that his doctor said there are no coronavirus deaths in the Ajijic area. Not yet.  I hope this will hold out.

Morning thoughts

Yesterday was difficult. I was in the middle of making a batch of tapioca pudding when my electricity went out. That was around ten in the morning. It was out until midnight. It is really hot here now. I had no communication system because I depend on skype on my i pad. The book I was reading was also on the I pad. And my fans of course didn't work. It was a long day and night. I was afraid that the milk would have spoiled but it was okay this morning. I finished making the pudding.

I also made my very first glass of kombucha. I poured it over ice. Fresh blackberry and strawberry flavored. The first photo below shows the tall circular container that contains the mother.  I also made fresh mango kombucha which is in the second photo. It still needs to be blended and strained. This process has taken weeks. I started out without a skoby but I was able to make the batch and grow a scoby from a bottle of store bought kombucha. I won't try to explain what all this means. If you are interested, you can find it online.

My sourdough bread is another story. A complete failure.  But since I have nothing to do, I am trying again this morning.

I received a notice from a friend saying that if I go outside of my house, I will have to take my electric bill to show the police proving the truth I live in the neighborhood. I can only go out in an extreme emergency. No more walking the dog. No more grocery shopping. Otherwise, I will be fined or maybe thrown in jail? Jail seems doubtful.

Last night while wide awake in bed, in the heat and dark, I heard the police truck drive by. Flashing lights that went into my bedroom window, and a voice announcing that we were all supposed to stay in our houses. That we are in an extreme national emergency.

 Kombucha and sourdough bread don't seem so important compared to the situation here. But these things are keeping me from going into a deep depression. Maybe the world will never be the same after this. Maybe I won't survive it. And maybe I wouldn't want to live in a world where danger and death lurk everywhere and possibly on everyone.

Morning thoughts

For weeks I have been stuck in my house, enviously watching people from my balcony as they are going about their business and having parties in the evenings. It seemed so unfair. And last night I received a notice that Jalisco has made it a law that anyone sixty and over is not allowed to leave their houses for ANY reason. We will be fined by roaming policemen if they see us out of our cages. But the younger people can carry on as usual. As if they don't get or transfer this virus?

We were also told not to go to the hospital if we get sick. We were given a phone number to call and a doctor will come out to see us in our houses. Good luck with that. We could be dead before that doctor would arrive.

Morning thoughts

I will try to be upbeat this time. Difficult. One good thing. My refrigerator is fixed. The two repair men knocked on my door, came inside, wearing masks and gloves. They went to work chopping out the ice that had built up inside my frig, behind a panel. Charged me 800 pesos. And left. Great service. Great price. Working frig again. At least for now it works and I will know what to do the next time it fails. Just unplug it and let it sit for a couple of days until all the ice has melted onto the floor. How fun. It will give me something to do. Mop.

I am so old that now I am remembering of a song that was popular when I was a small child. Rag Mop. Does anyone else remember it? That may not be the name but those were the main words. This is my rag mop day. I am going to mop all my floors.

 What other day is it besides Rag Mop? I had to look that up. What day of the week is today? That question often shows up on my i pad search history. Often I have guessed it wrong. But who cares? They are all the same. Boring.

I had to leave the house a couple of days ago.  Or was it three days ago? Or four? More Lost time. To pay my electricity bill. My friend drove over with her dog. Our dogs are friends and they were beside themselves with excitement. Chico was barking and practically doing back flips when he heard her car horn. He always recognizes it. My friend, Carolina, told me that wal mart was making people wait outside in a long line. Only letting a few people in at once. And people were standing pretty close to each other in the line. (I can't see how that would have been safer. Wal mart is a huge store with lots of space between people.)

She took me to a small OXXO which is a chain grocery store. They took my payment. My electric bill was 245 pesos for two months. In American money, it is hardly enough to even bother translating. Less than fifteen dollars.
For months I haven't been out in the evenings. What surprised me was all the activity. So many people were walking around, alone and in groups. They were enjoying the cool night after another hot day. I realized that they were all young Mexicans! My friend and I were the only older expats. We got a few strange looks. They had taken back their country. Why were we out in it?

Now I get to worry that maybe I have been infected while outside. Another fun thing to keep me occupied. I can do my rag mop dance while worrying if I am going to die soon. I had better close this out because I am sinking into depressed thoughts. I had promised myself that I wouldn't do that again.

Morning thoughts

I did too much cooking and my refrigerator refused to work anymore. I am waiting for the repair man to show up but I think it is beyond repair. When I was house sitting, ten years ago, a woman I worked for kindly gave it to me. She had bought a new one. It was maybe ten years old at that time. The repair man has already fixed it once for me. This time I may have to give it up. I sure hope the repair man doesn't bring the coronavirus in with him.

It is terrible to live with fear. Either I take the risk of getting the virus or else I live without a working refrigerator. What a choice!  I am taking the risk. Food is too important to me.

Yesterday I looked at the thirty thousand photos I have on this I pad. I have another thirty thousand on a nonworking computer. So many parades, festivals, smiling people, restaurants, friends, etc. LIFE!

All gone now. And I don't know if it will ever return in my lifetime. Such freedom. So much love and happiness radiated out through those photos. I took it all for granted.

Last night I had one of those dreams where it feels completely real. I was looking for my mother. She had moved and I didn't know her address. I saw a child playing on a porch and I asked if he knew Virginia. He said, she lives here. He went inside and brought her out. She came to me and we were hugging and crying. She was so alive in this dream and she has been dead a long time now. I woke up crying, realizing that it was just a dream. She isn't alive. I can't hug her. Right now, I can't hug anyone. What a way to live. If this is going to be the new normal, I am not sure I will want to live.

Yes, I am depressed! I never realized before now how much it means to me to be with people and share celebrations and meals and love and hugs!

Apple cider vinegar

This is the Apple cider vinegar that I am making. I just strained out all the apples. It sat with the apples for several weeks. Now it has to sit another month. I hope it is Successful. Who says that I have nothing to do? I can watch apples turn into vinegar. Entertainment for another month!

My lunch

I am spending my days cooking. Or maybe I should use the word daze instead because I feel like I am in a daze most of the time. Well, most of this timelessness. Here is what I made for lunch. It is blanched fresh green beans cooked in sesame oil with garlic, onions, sesame and sunflower seeds. With extra firm tofu, covered with corn starch and fried with sesame seeds and sunflower seeds. I think it was a success. I have had a lot of failures recently, especially with trying to make sourdough bread. But this was good.

Morning thoughts

I haven't written on the blog lately. I can't say that I don't have the time. I have all kinds of time. Too much time to cook and clean and be depressed. I don't like to write when I am depressed but this will most likely last awhile. It is difficult to be alone all the time. Especially when I hear the Mexicans in my neighborhood going about their daily lives with no concern for the stay at home order.

It is hot here and the nights are hot. This is one of the biggest party times of the year for Mexicans. So they are spending a lot of time at night out on the sidewalk and having gatherings and parties. I hear it from my balcony. It makes me sad and I long to go out too.

 I remember when I was a little girl and my parents always made me come inside as soon as it got dark. We lived in Manteca where summer nights were hot like they are here now. I could hear the neighborhood children outside, running around and playing with each other. I had a deep longing to go out and play with them.   But no, I had to stay inside. Like now. Only this time it is a matter of life and death.

 I don't know why my parents wouldn't allow me to play outside after dark. We lived in a small town and a safe neighborhood.  I do know why I can't go outside now, day or night, but that still doesn't stop the longing to join the life out there. I just have to keep reminding myself that I may be saving my life by staying inside, even though, right now, life doesn't seem worth saving if I have to spend it indoors with just my own company. I am bored with myself.

Morning thoughts

Still in lockdown. The president has extended it for another month. By then, if I am still alive, my floors will be clean enough to eat on or else I will be here stark raving mad. Now, when I think of something I want to buy to fix up my house or something I want to do, I preface the thought with IF I AM STILL ALIVE.  What a way to think.  But this is our new reality. We are all at risk, some more than others.

Right now, I wish I had never left San Blas. The quiet little beach town north of Puerto Vallarta. I was going to retire there years ago but the mosquitoes and jejenes drove me out. Now an even greater threat exists in this area. Also unseen, like those jejenes. I checked the statistics this morning. Over in the San Blas area they have had only 6 cases and no deaths. It is fourth from the bottom of cases in Mexico. Jalisco, where I live, is third from the top with 90 cases and 4 deaths. And that is just for today.  It will get worse, much worse.

Last night I heard and saw a police truck coming down my street. The policeman was blasting out warnings and people walking on the street almost ran. I couldn't hear whatever he was saying. Maybe he was telling them to go home. And two days ago I watched an army helicopter above my neighborhood, going back and forth. Don't know why. Things are strange here right now. Most of the people are ignoring the threat but then there are little pockets of fearful events.

Well, back to cleaning my house. I have never been so well organized. If I die during this time, at least the person cleaning my house and getting rid of my things will have an easier time of it. Sorry for being so negative. I really should quit listening to the news. Good luck to you all and happy cleaning if that is what you too are doing.

Lockdown, day five

I just got word that the lockdown has been extended until Sunday. I am bored, bored, bored but at least I am still alive and well. I am tired of cooking. Tired of cleaning. Tired of reading. And especially tired of looking at the virus news.  But at least I am still alive.  Bored to death but not dead yet. The sunset is just happening. Big event of the day for me. Have to go watch it. Take care everyone.    

Lockdown, day four

My internet was out all day. So, no listening to the news. It was such a peaceful day without constantly listening to the corona virus disasters. I knew life would be better without all that fear being pumped into my house but I didn't have the courage to turn it off.

I spent the entire day without thinking about it. Just me and the cat and dog. I did more cooking and cleaning and resting in the sunshine. It was a good day and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, staying home. Okay, I cheated a little this morning with a short walk so Chico could do his business.

This is the first time in my life when the only thing expected of me is to do nothing. Just stay home. And I can't manage to do that completely. Tomorrow. I hope will make it through tomorrow, the last day of the lockdown, without peaking my head out the front door. I expect this won't be our only lockdown. I will have more chances to practice. And maybe I will get the courage to keep the news turned off. I can't change anything by listening to it and worrying about it.

Lockdown, day three

I have continued my obsessive cooking while listening to the news on my iPad.  Now there is no more room in my refrigerator. I am not sleeping much because of my mind running wild. Plus, last night my Mexican neighbors across the street had a loud, very crowded party at their house. Everyone was laughing, playing music, having fun. While I sat on my deck alone and thought about all my fears.

What is life going to be like in the future?  A five day lockdown that is only followed by a few people isn't going to stop the virus. Will there be more lockdowns? In the future, will we all have to stay home and only relate by way of computers? Sounds like a scary science fiction movie.

Maybe the Mexicans across the street have a better grasp of reality than I do. They are enjoying life and each other before it comes to an end.  The music hasn't died for them yet.  

I bring out the worst in myself. Fears become exaggerated. Every time I cough I imagine that I am going to die and I think that the end is here for me. Ugh! Maybe I should have crashed that party last night.

Lockdown

Yesterday I received a message that Jalisco is in a lockdown. We are supposed to stay in our homes for five days. I am only half way through the second day and am already driving myself crazy.

I have been cooking for two days. Cooking and cooking. There is no more room in my frig. I couldn't possibly eat all this food by myself, even if I had a month to try. It is just my way to calm my nerves.

It would be more helpful for my nerves if I would hide my i pad. I keep obsessively turning it on and checking the news.

Three and a half more days to go and then I can venture out again.  Probably five pounds heavier from all this food, but hopefully still alive and well.

Sending good wishes to all of you and hoping that this nightmare won't last forever.

Morning thoughts

Things are rapidly changing here just as everywhere else in the world. I am now self isolating. I am one of the more vulnerable of the population because of my age and health issues. I had to go out a few times to try to get money. Three times I tried ATM machines and they were empty. Being a suspicious person, my first thought was that the banks didn't like the current exchange rate so they stopped the ATMs from working. A couple of months ago, the peso to the dollar was the best for the peso than it has been in many years. Recently it is the worst for the peso. It fluctuated from 16 pesos to the dollar to over 24 pesos to the dollar. I can't keep up with all the changes that are happening here.

Most of the events have been canceled. The Lake Chapala Society has stopped all activities. But so far, they are keeping their grounds open.

Tomorrow I have to venture out to pick up my renewed IMSS health insurance forms. For now that office is still open. I hope I won't be needing to go to the doctor or hospital in the near future but I have to be prepared!

Expats are clearing out the grocery shelves. Toilet paper and dry beans, rice and fruits are almost gone. Superlake was so crowded at the checkout line that I had a panic attack and had to put my groceries down and leave the store. I suffer from claustrophobia. I guess that can be helpful in these social distancing times..

I am trying not to worry but it is hard to control. I should quit looking at the news. That would help.

Mexicans are business as usual. The president was out a few days ago in crowds, hugging people and kissing babies. He thinks everyone is overreacting. He has his three lucky charms protecting him. An American two dollar bill, a religious charm and I have forgotten the third one. God help us!

Be safe everyone!

Sangre viva festival

The sangre viva festival was last weekend. I don't know if there will be many more festivals for awhile with this corona virus. I was happy that I went to it. Here are a few photos.

Morning thoughts, Mexican Census

Flowers are in bloom all over town. In April the Jacaranda trees bloom and the towns turn purple.

But down to the business of census taking. A woman came to my door with her official identification hanging around her neck and asked me many questions. So many that I was starting to lose patience. Also two (men) neighbors ran over to help make sure I understood her Spanish and I am also guessing to learn my answers. Here are some of the questions. I am sure I have forgotten some. 

Where am I from? How long have I lived in Mexico? How old am I? Do I have any children? Do I have any children that have died? What kind of health insurance do I have? Do I have an income? Do I go to school? Do I work? How many years of schooling did I receive? Do I have any health issues that require help? Can I hear okay? See okay? Walk okay? Do I have a car? A bicycle? Or other mode of transportation? How many Rooms are in my house? How many people live here? How many bedrooms do I have? Do I have a washing machine? A television? A telephone? Cell phone? Refrigerator? Computer? Internet? Am I divorced or did my husband die? 

The two men learned a lot about me very quickly. maybe I should have been concerned about my privacy but I had no idea she was going to ask me so many questions. I guess I am a little bit flattered that people were interested enough in me to want to have those answers. Mostly I am like an invisible person, just making casual greetings on the street or while buying groceries. I do like my privacy. 

Mardi Gras parade