Saturday, November 6, 2010

Thinking about the Two Wolves Inside of Us

The first photo is what I see out my door everyday. The second one is Chico, my constant companion. I need to count my blessings more and not my losses.........
As you know, I have a lot of time on my hands. I think too much these days. I am alone most of the day. Sometimes a friend will stop by to visit and I treasure those visits. This isn't an original idea but it fits me today. It goes like this: Your  head is a dangerous place to visit. Don't go there alone.

But since I am alone, I have been spending too much time rummaging around inside my head and sometimes my negative, angry and fearful thoughts take over.  A nice man at the Lake Chapala Society named Ross passed around a flier a few months ago. I took one and put it on my refrigerator. It is an Indian story about an old man telling his grandson that there are two wolves living inside of him. He said they are in a war. One is Evil--anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is the Spirit. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The little boy asked his grandfather; Which one wins?

The grandfather answered, The one you feed!

Lately I have been feeding the wrong wolf.   Yesterday I wrote two angry e mails to two women here because I was so upset that they have ignored me since my accident a month ago.  I had considered them very close friends and neither has written or stopped by or e mailed me.

I was feeding the Evil wolf!  There was no reason to write those e mails. Those women owe me nothing. They have their own lives and just because they haven't communicated with me, there was no reason for me to write to them about my anger and disappointment in them.  It was the Evil wolf talking.

Angy words can never be taken back. Lost friendships are difficult and usually impossible to retrieve. But maybe I was wrong from the beginning to make assumptions about our relationships.  I made the mistake of assuming that they were good friends. It all comes down to a question of Trust. I trust too much at the beginning of a relationship. But trust has to be earned. It isn't something to give away freely. It is a give and take in relationships. You wait to see if the other person is going to be trustworthy. Then you don't go into the Evil Wolf Mentality as I did with these two women when they didn't come through for me.

I was wrong to have done that.  And today I feel terrible about getting so angry at them. It isn't right to have ANY expectations of people, no matter what you have done for them in the past.! When you do things for people, you can't have expectations of them for some future time.

Friendships aren't a bank account that you make deposits into and then expect to withdraw from in the future. You do things for friends out of your love for them. Period. No Future Expectations......That way you don't end up feeling hurt or angry.......   Maybe this experience has taught me to be more cautious with people. To make sure a person is really trustworthy before I offer my friendship and trust. I think that is only fair to others. It is unfair to expect things that aren't there in the first place........

In the end, I don't know much about life. I am always surprised at people. Several friends have come through for me and I hadn't spent that much time with them. I need to feed the Spirit Wolf and forget the Evil Wolf....That is my goal for today........

16 comments:

  1. Friendship requires time spent, by that I mean, one needs to make the time for your friend. Go see them, call them, I like Skype because not only do you call them but you see them, it's important to make the time. I have gathered my friends like pretty rocks over the years, different places I've lived, school, friends of friends, every job I ever had I gained one but I've let a few slip through my fingers because I did not give them enough facetime. The international friends have been the hardest to keep track of because they tend to move around so much. I have stayed in the same general area my whole life so now and then I get the treat of an old friend just showing up on my stoop. Life is good.

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  2. Thank you Norm, I appreciate your words. Unfortunately I have tried to communicate with both these women. And of course I can't go see them. I am stuck in bed for six weeks.... But I understand what you are saying. I was writing about trying to reach out to friends who haven't responded to my efforts,and my disappointment in them.....Thank you, Patricia

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  3. Hi Pat, I liked this post, never heard that story before, I will have to remember it. I have found that people find the time for what is important to them. Don't give the nasty comment any thought, people read your blog because they like what you are doing. keep up the good work.
    Cheryl

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  4. Hi Cheryl, Thank you for writing. Do you know Ross? If now someday I will introduce him to you when we are all at the LCS. See you tomorrow. If we have time, maybe we can make a stop at the grocery store for a few items. I am almost all out of food. Thanks so much for your help and Billy's too. Your friend. P

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  5. Hi Patricia, I had not heard this story before, either. It is a good one to remember! I wish I could help you, but please know that you are in my thoughts.
    Karen in VA

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  6. Hi Karen, I wish you could help me too. Mostly I am lonely..... But I go to a house sitting place in El Parque tomorrow. Maybe I will be warmer and meet some people. Thank you for writing. Patricia

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  7. I agree with your comments that it is wise if we have no expectations of others. Then we are less likely to be disappointed. We women also have a hard time asking for what we need. The other option to firing off emails would have been to ask them to visit you. Bu I also know that asking for help is a very difficult thing to do for most people. But especially for women when we have traditionally been the care givers and not care receivers. I've been there recently . . .

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  8. Hi Paty, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Yes, I believe you are right. I have been a care giver all my life. I don't like to ask for help. But now I have to do just that ......thanks, Patriia

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  9. Ola Patricia God I can relate to your post about the 2 wolves and friends sometimes not behaving as you would expect them too! I am living alone in a small town in Canada Picton On. and friends are hard to make -Canadians are a bit formal and unemotional to begin with it seems. Anyway I am heading down to Yucatan in Dec for a month and then maybe make a flight to Chapala area as I have heard so much about the gringo oasis there. I would appreciate any thoughts on your experience to seek rental apartment and a language school. Maybe see you someday Hope you heal up soon Gracias Philipe

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  10. Hi Philipe, Thank you for writing. Let me know when you get here and we can meet up. Patricia

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  11. Perhaps they, because of their own life experience, have difficulty dealing with your depression and needs. They may have given all they have to give at this point. Best of luck.

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  12. Interesting thought. Is there a point in our lives when we just give up on caring for others? P

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  13. Not "giving up" but your needs may be more than they can handle considering all the things that may be going on in their lives that perhaps you are not aware of because they keep it to themselves. I guess I'm saying don't judge too harshly their actions or inaction, just let it go... Best thoughts for your quick healing.

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  14. Thank you for your interesting comment. I appreciate it. You are right. Patricia

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  15. Hola Patricia! My son recently broke his ankle, has 2 screws holding the bones in place, and is in a lot of pain. So I sort of feel your pain. Your ankle will heal in time, but you need to take care of your soul now. I have the poster of the Two Wolves. It is so very true. I believe that all relationships have an "emotional bank account". Every time you do something nice for a friend or family member, you make a deposit. Each time you are rude or mean or neglectful, is a withdrawal. I was married to a man who made only withdrawals, but never any deposits. I dumped him. Ditto for the women you thought were friends. Obviously if they haven't been to see you, they weren't. Dump them. The emails were over the top though. I have learned from bad experience to stay far far away from pens, paper, keyboards and phones when I am angry, hurt or depressed. If necessary, put your anger on paper and then burn it.

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  16. Hi MaryAnn, Thank you for your encouraging comments. I hope your son is completely healed. I am getting better. And yes, you are right. Stay away from any form of communication when you are angry. Thanks again. Patricia

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