|The first photo is what I see out my door everyday. The second one is Chico, my constant companion. I need to count my blessings more and not my losses.........|
But since I am alone, I have been spending too much time rummaging around inside my head and sometimes my negative, angry and fearful thoughts take over. A nice man at the Lake Chapala Society named Ross passed around a flier a few months ago. I took one and put it on my refrigerator. It is an Indian story about an old man telling his grandson that there are two wolves living inside of him. He said they are in a war. One is Evil--anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is the Spirit. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
The little boy asked his grandfather; Which one wins?
The grandfather answered, The one you feed!
Lately I have been feeding the wrong wolf. Yesterday I wrote two angry e mails to two women here because I was so upset that they have ignored me since my accident a month ago. I had considered them very close friends and neither has written or stopped by or e mailed me.
I was feeding the Evil wolf! There was no reason to write those e mails. Those women owe me nothing. They have their own lives and just because they haven't communicated with me, there was no reason for me to write to them about my anger and disappointment in them. It was the Evil wolf talking.
Angy words can never be taken back. Lost friendships are difficult and usually impossible to retrieve. But maybe I was wrong from the beginning to make assumptions about our relationships. I made the mistake of assuming that they were good friends. It all comes down to a question of Trust. I trust too much at the beginning of a relationship. But trust has to be earned. It isn't something to give away freely. It is a give and take in relationships. You wait to see if the other person is going to be trustworthy. Then you don't go into the Evil Wolf Mentality as I did with these two women when they didn't come through for me.
I was wrong to have done that. And today I feel terrible about getting so angry at them. It isn't right to have ANY expectations of people, no matter what you have done for them in the past.! When you do things for people, you can't have expectations of them for some future time.
Friendships aren't a bank account that you make deposits into and then expect to withdraw from in the future. You do things for friends out of your love for them. Period. No Future Expectations......That way you don't end up feeling hurt or angry....... Maybe this experience has taught me to be more cautious with people. To make sure a person is really trustworthy before I offer my friendship and trust. I think that is only fair to others. It is unfair to expect things that aren't there in the first place........
In the end, I don't know much about life. I am always surprised at people. Several friends have come through for me and I hadn't spent that much time with them. I need to feed the Spirit Wolf and forget the Evil Wolf....That is my goal for today........