A friend asked me the other day, How much is enough money to retire on in Mexico? Is a million dollars enough? (She has a friendship with a couple and that is their nest egg for retiring in Mexico.) I didn't have an answer for her. I was struggling with my own questions of what was enough in my life.
What was enough time to spend with my son and daughter-in-law before leaving them again? Would I ever get in so much time that I wouldn't miss them? How much was enough clothing to stuff into my two or should it be three suitcases to take back over the border? How much is enough love and appreciation to give to my friends for helping me out while I am in the States? How much time is enough to get all my business taken care of here? I have no answers.
Is it never ENOUGH until we come to the end of the game of life? Or is there something else involved? Maybe this longing is just a natural part of being alive. Maybe whatever we focus on just expands, like bread dough. This depression I am experiencing seems to be connected to my fears of endings and looking for MORE is just a way of holding back those fears.
Life is unpredictable. Things happen. We have no control over most of what happens and maybe that is at the heart of all the fears and longings. The knowledge that we have no idea of what the future holds, for ourselves or our loved ones or friends or animals or even for our nations. The longer I live and the more experiences I go through, the more I know about how life is not in my control. It is a mystery. Maybe enough finally comes when the striving stops. Nothing on the outside will ever fill up that inner spiritual longing.
I remember looking at a photo that a friend took of me when we were sitting at a restaurant in Chapala. He showed it to me and of course I didn't like it much. What struck me is how I leaned so far over to the friend sitting next to me. I was not centered. I was trying too hard. Maybe that is what I do. I lean too far away from my own center.
I asked my friend to take another photo and in it I was sitting straight; within myself, centered. I looked much better in that one. I felt better too. Maybe this is why people have individual houses, to become centered within themselves. I have been away from my own little casita for a long time now. I am not centered.
Writing on this blog helps me to become more myself. Oh yes, I am meeting myself again. It has nothing to do with houses or casitas. It only has to do with looking within. Writing down what is in my heart. I am enough now. I have enough of everything and I have given enough..... Maybe it is closing in on time for me to go back to Mexico. I can't make all my fears disappear but I can now see them for what they are; fears and nothing more. Feel the fear. Do it anyway. I will try to remember that as I go through my remaining days here in the States, saying good-bye to my loved ones.