Sunday, July 7, 2013

Morning Thoughts in Portland

The sun is already out. Summer has finally arrived in Portland. Everything is so beautiful here because of all the rain but I wouldn't want to live in it. I am starting to miss Mexico and my life there. But I still have until the 26th before I return.  I will make the most of the time that is left up here. Visiting with my family is number one priority. I need their love right now.

I think I am suffering from survivor's guilt. I sometimes obsess over what I could have or should have done to have saved my ex husband. Or I think that I didn't care enough, love enough when he was alive. But I know what a waste of time all those thoughts are and that they are natural. We all experience them after a tragedy.

Everyday I feel grateful just to be alive. Losing a loved one brings to the surface the reality that we are all going to die one day. Everything passes......  Life is precious. A gift.

I thank my friend Gayle for taking me out on that boat ride and being so kind to me all day. And I thank everyone who wrote to me with their loving words. That means a lot to me. I feel like I have a large, invisible family out there. If not for myself, I owe it to my loved ones to go on with my life and enjoy it. Each precious gift of a day. I pray that my ex husband has finally found peace. 

I also hope that I will be more loving to everyone I meet. Understanding that it may be the last or only opportunity I might have to give them what we all need while we are on this earth. Love and acceptance.


16 comments:

  1. A beautiful reminder for us all, Patricia. My prayers go out to you and your family, and to Carlos as well. Thank you for sharing such a painful part of your journey - we learn from you in this regard as much as we do from your pictures and random thoughts. By inviting us in (to read and look at photos of your world) you show us love and acceptance.

    Many thanks, Dear Heart.

    Barbara

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    1. Thank you so much for your loving comment Barbara. I really appreciate it. P

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  2. Enjoy your time with your family. Nice photos, looks like a good day with a good friend.

    Tammy

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  3. We feel for you and your family for their loss.
    We hope to talk to you when we are down there, Chapala, for the month of Aug.
    We have been following your Blog for a while.
    The 3 of us are looking forward to talking to you, if you time.
    Cindy(Wife), Carol(Mother-In-Law), and Richard.
    rcteaz@yahoo.com

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    1. Hi Cindy, Carol and Richard. Thank you for commenting. I will be back to Ajijic at the end of July. For sure, let's get together when you arrive. Let me know. P

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  4. Hello, I'm Marco (marco.mll@alice.it) and I've written to You an email. Read it please, it is not spam. Please read me. Thank You Patricia.

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    1. HI Marco, I did not see your e mail. P

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  5. Love and acceptance and in my mind the most important thing we all want is "to be seen" and that means deeply seen for who we truly are.

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    1. Hi Manuel, Thank you for that wonderful comment. For sure! But how many times in our lives do we actually feel like we are truly seen? Not often..... Maybe that is part of what loving another person means? P

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    2. Hey Patricia -- not Manuel -- your amiga Stace in the Raquet Club -- I have been fortunate to be really "seen" by my dear sweet abuelito and un novio I lived with in the 70s in Palo Alto, CA. That's two more than most people ever get in a lifetime so I have a lot of gratitude. And, by the way, I really see you and have told you that on many occasions.

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    3. Hi Stacey, This made me laugh at myself. I sure didn't "see" you this time..... I couldn't figure out what the No.6 meant in front of what I thought was the name Manuel Orantes. Thanks for clearing that up Stacey and thanks for writing to me. I almost bought you a watch yesterday at the second hand store but it was fifty dollars!!! It was similar to the first one I bought for you. Your friend, p

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  6. Well, speaking for MYSELF, I had an absolutely fabulous day on Portland's Willamette River on July 5th on the Blues Cruise - because I was with one of the most beautiful people on earth: you, Patricia. Yes, I also believe I see the 'true' you. Just always be you, and we'll always be good friends. No matter what.
    Gayle
    ps: but really...wasn't that a FABULOUS Reggie Houston & Janice Scroggins trio? And the drummer (Rhinehart) used to play with The Fabulous Thunderbirds! We are so blessed with great music in Portland. Your son, David, is also a very gifted Jazz musician... yay music!

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    1. Thank you so much Gayle. You are a real gift in my life. P

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  7. Hi Pat.

    Life is precious for sure...

    But love has to come from witten you first. What I meant by that is learn to accept being who you are!

    Have been reading your Blog for several years and I think you are a beautiful individual. Please, take great care of yourself.

    I am really sorry for your loss...

    Your friend from V A.

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    1. Thank you so much for those encouraging words. I really appreciate them. P

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