Friday, February 17, 2017

Morning Thoughts---about parents

 
I recently put on a blog post a photo of my mom with me in her arms. And now I am putting on this little wooden gift she gave me maybe fifteen years ago. I hang it where I can see it everyday. Not that I look at it everyday. But I know it is there. Since I have been having to do legal stuff about my death, hopefully a long time in the future, I have also been thinking about family. My mother and father and aunts and uncles, all of them no longer alive. 

Yesterday a dear friend read my blog post and he reacted by saying that maybe it would have offended my son. I asked him why and he said because I wrote that he is often too busy to keep in touch with me and that I didn't expect him to make a shrine to me.  I hope my son didn't react like that to the post. It was not meant as a criticism of him. I KNOW that he is very busy and I KNOW that he loves me. 

I never made a shrine to my own mother and I was always too busy for her too. I remember one summer when she asked to come and stay with me a few weeks because she lived in a very hot area, I reacted by saying that I was too busy.  I took care of disabled people, especially children and summers were the worst. I was always driving them places. I worked so many hours that I was exhausted all the time. I thought having her there would have put too much pressure on me to entertain her too. But now that she is gone and I have a similar situation with my own son, I understand that it wasn't necessary for me to entertain her. She just wanted to be with me. The way I just want to be with my son and his wife.

I remember one day when  my mother was visiting and I came home exhausted from working, she had cleaned up my kitchen, including making my toaster all bright and new looking. For some reason I felt badly instead of realizing that she was there all day with nothing to do and she enjoyed helping me, I felt guilty. I saw it as her criticizing my housekeeping when really it was just her way of showing her love for me. I guess it is a matter of being able to accept a parent's love and the many ways they try to express it to us. Often we can't accept it until they are gone and then it is too late.

  I also remember cleaning my son and daughter-in-law's laundry room while I was dog sitting for them. I was so proud of all the work I had done when they came home and I got a very similar response as I gave my mother. Not at all what I had expected. Grown kids need to have boundaries and parents often don't understand that. As parents, we just want to help and give to our children, no matter how old they are and as grown ups, they want to express their independence and sense of themselves, separate from us. That puts us at cross purposes. 

One of my favorite movies is Trip to Bountiful. Part of it is about an elderly mother trying to connect with her son on an emotional level. But he is always too busy. She lives with him and his wife and she runs away to where she was born. They come after her and she finally gets him to remember his childhood and how happy he had been there and then know how much she loved him. That was enough for her. 

Maybe I think about these things because I am alone. I do not have a mate to take up any of my energy and animals certainly don't make any emotional demands on me.  They are much less complicated than people. And parent/child relationships are always complicated.....   I must be missing my family. Haven't seen my son and daughter-in-law in almost three years. Here, my friends are my family. I am so grateful to have my friends. 

I never appreciated all the cards that my mother gave me. She spent hours reading them in the card store to get just the right one that expressed her love for me. I was always cynical about card sentiments, like the wooden hanging she gave me in the above photograph. But now I know that to her, an uneducated person, cards expressed feelings that she couldn't express herself and that wooden hanging means a great deal to me.

My mother has been visiting me often lately in my dreams. I don't know what that means. Except I hope it means that there is life after death and not that I am going to die soon.  I think it means that our mothers and our fathers never stop loving us, even after they die. Their love is always with us.  Just as our love for our children is always with them. If children could love themselves even a fraction of how much their parents love them, it would be a different world.  


12 comments:

  1. Maybe a family reunion is in order. You're obviously missing your son. A mother's love is unconditional.

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    1. Thank you for commenting Peter. Yes, I believe that. Unfortunately my son and his wife have just moved into temporary housing and they have no room for me there. I am going to have to wait a few months. P

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  2. You have captured the elderly parent vs. Adult child relationship so perfectly. As a single mother my children are my life. They are adults now and the balance between keeping them close and letting them have their space is so precarious. You have an excellent way of expressing your thoughts!

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    1. Thank you so much Leslie. I am glad others feel like I feel. P

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  3. Buenos dias, Patricia,
    How tender and insightful are your thoughts this morning...
    Living in Mexico, seems to me, provokes bittersweet feelings of life and family ties. Our modern western culture has lost much and, compared to Mexico's familial culture, leaves much to be desired. As an expat, one has a foot in both worlds, broadening and deepening one's outlook. Perhaps confronting one's mortality in earnest marks the point where one is MOST awake and alive. Loved ones are always with us; at the same time, each of us is alone. This is the great mystery and the paradox. You are very much alive, Patricia, and you are, at heart, an armchair philosopher!
    It's good your friend is arriving to look after Olive and Chico so you can have an adventure! No, I do not know Aguascalientes. I'll look it up and see what's what.
    I've been poking around online, looking for ideas of small towns of interest and was reminded of a gorgeous town I visited while touring around in my VW camper a while ago. Have you been yet to visit Jilquipan? Only a handful of expats there perhaps, but looks to be lively and charming. I enjoy exchanging ideas with you, Patricia.
    Hasta,
    Fay

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    1. Hi Fay, Thank you for your thoughtful e mail. I too enjoy communicating with you. I haven't heard of that town but I am going to look into it. Thank you for that idea. P

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  4. Another thought, P
    Jilquipan likely won't do for your upcoming trip, but as it is only, I think, two hours from Lakeside, might do for a fun short jaunt with an overnight. It's designated a Pueblo Magico, and deservedly so. Perhaps Jilquipan might do for me? I am a big reader, thus cannot be too far from a good sized English language lending library, one of Lakeside's advantages. Are you a reader?
    I will be awaiting news of your upcoming travel plans.
    Fay

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    1. Hi Fay, a two hour bus trip sounds perfect for me. Yes I am a bif reader. Thanks for writing and for the advice. P

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  5. I believe it is a blessing when your mother is visiting you in your dreams. She is looking over you and sending you her love.

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  6. Thank you for commenting Donna. Yes, I believe that too.

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  7. I enjoyed reading your post, Pat. To me it said, slow down and spend the only thing that really matters...time.
    Love your posts,
    Karen in VA

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    1. Thank you Karen. Always good to hear from you.... your friend, p

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