Dealing with Loss and Disappointment

This is the last photo I will ever take of my friend Don singing at the restaurant. He had expected these Wednesday at noon performances to go on for a long time but today in the middle of it the owner called him upstairs to say that she was canceling it. She said people wanted to talk instead. I was surprised because my friends had almost packed the patio every time he performed and we all enjoyed it. I guess it only takes one to not like it....

He was upset. I don't blame him. He had been enjoying it as much as we were and I think he felt unappreciated. He had been planning out the posters and business cards, all at his own expense. He wasn't getting paid, only a meal and he didn't get that today. He was too upset to wait around for it. I don't blame him for that either.

Then this evening I got an e mail from my friend back in the States saying she is losing most if not all of her retirement because of the financial crisis up there. She is a strong person and I am sure she will bounce back quickly. But these two things made me think about my own life and all the loses: deaths, financial, health, friendships, marriages, rejections of my writing, on and on......

As soon as I think , Well, now I am secure, I get thrown a curve ball. I go reeling off balance again. This seems to be the nature of life itself. Especially now when almost everyone is losing financial security in one way or another.

I believe that having friends helps to regain balance. I am thinking of the book I just read, About a Boy. The boy's parents divorce and the boy is alone with his mother and going to a new school. Then she tries to commit suicide. From that point on he is on the lookout for more people to prop him up. He sees life like a circus balancing act, a pyramid and the more people you have under you holding you up the better off you are and the less the fall. Sounds a like a good idea.

One of the reasons I like doing this blog is the connections I make with people. The world can be awfully lonely at times, especially when One is alone in a foreign country.

I have been kind of down lately because my wrist isn't healing as fast as I had hoped. So I haven't done much. I decided to take simple photos of my yard, house and the dog I share it with and just be honest about how things are with me. I was surprised that more people responded to that post than to the parade or the Mariachi singers or the beautiful scenery. I even got a poem! It touched me deeply because all of my life I have felt I had to perform or do something great in order to be accepted. I remember at seven years old thinking it was too late for me because I hadn't done anything spectacular and probably never would. I was comparing myself to Mozart at the same age. But now I see how wrong I was about life.

I was reading a book by Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and Patrick Fanning. Self Esteem is the title. I was struck by these two paragraphs: "Affirming your worth is no easy task. Right now you believe that your worth depends on your behavior. Metaphorically, you see yourself as an empty vessel that must be filled, drop by drop, with your achievements. You start out essentially worthless, a body that moves and talks. The critic would have you believe that there is no intrinsic value in life, only a potential for doing something worthwhile, something important.

The truth is that your value is your consciousness, your ability to perceive and experience. The value of a human life is that it exists. You are a complex miracle of creation. You are a person who is trying to live, and that makes you as worthwhile as every other person who is doing the very same thing. Achievement has nothing to do with it. Whatever you do, whatever you contribute should come not from the need to prove your value, but from the natural flow of your aliveness. What you do should come from the drive to fully live, rather than the fight to justify yourself."

That sure hits home to me. Seems like most of my life I felt I had to justify myself by doing things: College, marriage, having a family, a career, writing a book, on and on.. The list is endless. The surprise for me is that all I really need to do is live my life. Be Myself.....WHAT A RELIEF......

I thank you all for reading my blog, down times and up times. I appreciate you. Patricia