Dancing to the Cuban Music and Feeling Invisible

Last night I went to hear the Cuban band. They are still playing at Joe's Restaurant in Ajijic. I love their music. I love dancing to it but last night I was in a funk. I kept thinking, By this time next week I will be in the States. I would look around the room at all the happy faces and think, Next week these people will go on without me. They won't even remember me. I already felt invisible. I had detached.

I remember something my friend's sister, Barbara, told us when we were little girls. She was much older than we were and she was a glamorous singer. She lived in L.A. We were enthralled with her and we hung on her every word. I remember how jealous my mother always was when Barbara came to town to take away her daughter's affections for awhile. We lived in a small town in Central California and this town rarely experienced women like Barbara. Men and women stared at her. Children followed her. She was like the pied piper. Sometimes we would hold hands with her and dance down the street, singing. We created quite a stir.

But back to what I still remember about her philosphy. She said, Think of yourself as a hand that is thrust into a bucket of water. The water is your environment. Your hand takes up a lot of room when it is in the water but when you take it out, the water immediately fills in that space.

Right now I am experiencing myself as the hand that is slowly lifting out of the water. This leave taking is like practicing for dying; the final leaving. It puts everything in perspective and reorganizes my priorities. Suddenly an organized shelf and mopped floor don't seem very important. I am beginning to think, let's just get this over with and not go through any more evenings where I feel invisible. My family dies from quick heart attacks. That's the way to go. I don't want a long illness, lingering in bed for months. I don't want to be a burden on my loved ones.

This afternoon I am going to listen to the Mariachi Band at the Hotel Real De Chapala. Another leave taking. I am tempted to skip it. But would I chose to skip the joys of living just because I will die? No!!!! I am just going to accept this melancholic mood, enjoy the day as best as I can and try not to think of the leaving.

Doing the same thing all the time gives the impression that nothing will change but that is an illusion. Everything changes. Habits and routine can create a false sense of security. There is no security in the material world. We all leave it all when we die. So for today I choose to live and listen to the music.