How Much Is ENOUGH???

A friend asked me the other day, How much is enough money to retire on in Mexico? Is a million dollars enough? (She has a friendship with a couple and that is their nest egg for retiring in Mexico.) I didn't have an answer for her. I was struggling with my own questions of what was enough in my life.

What was enough time to spend with my son and daughter-in-law before leaving them again? Would I ever get in so much time that I wouldn't miss them? How much was enough clothing to stuff into my two or should it be three suitcases to take back over the border?  How much is enough love and appreciation to give to my friends for helping me out while I am in the States? How much time is enough to get all my business taken care of here? I have no answers.

Is it never ENOUGH until we come to the end of the game of life? Or is there something else involved? Maybe this longing is just a natural part of being alive. Maybe whatever we focus on just expands, like bread dough. This depression I am experiencing seems to be connected to my fears of endings and looking for MORE is just a way of holding back those fears.

Life is unpredictable. Things happen. We have no control over most of what happens and maybe that is at the heart of all the fears and longings. The knowledge that we have no idea of what the future holds, for ourselves or our loved ones or friends or animals or even for our nations.  The longer I live and the more experiences I go through, the more I know about how life is not in my control. It is a mystery. Maybe enough finally comes when the striving stops. Nothing on the outside will ever fill up that inner spiritual longing.

I remember looking at a photo that a friend took of me when we were sitting at a restaurant in Chapala. He showed it to me and of course I didn't like it much. What struck me is how I leaned so far over to the friend sitting next to me. I was not centered. I was trying too hard. Maybe that is what I do. I lean too far away from my own center.

I asked my friend to take another photo and in it I was sitting straight; within myself, centered. I looked much better in that one. I felt better too. Maybe this is why people have individual houses, to become centered within themselves. I have been away from my own little casita for a long time now. I am not centered.

Writing on this blog helps me to become more myself. Oh yes, I am meeting myself again. It has nothing to do with houses or casitas. It only has to do with looking within. Writing down what is in my heart. I am enough now. I have enough of everything and I have given enough..... Maybe it is closing in on time for me to go back to Mexico. I can't make all my fears disappear but I can now see them for what they are; fears and nothing more. Feel the fear. Do it anyway. I will try to remember that as I go through my remaining days here in the States, saying good-bye to my loved ones.

My Friend's Marie and Gayle

Marie and I met Gayle at a restaurant a few nights ago. Gayle has been writing to me on the blog for many months. It was great to finally meet her in person. Marie is on the left. Gayle is on the right. Two sweet women. I am lucky to have them as friends. Maybe, eventually, they will both be living in Ajijic. Maybe, eventually, I will be living in Ajijic again. It feels like I have been here for months instead of weeks. Time seems to have stopped. That feeling is just a symptom of my depression. I must remember, EVERYTHING CHANGES.  That can be a good thing or that can be bad but it is a certainty.

More Culture Shock and Car Problems

I am still experiencing culture shock with my own culture. I am caught in this in between state. I am not in Mexico where I feel is my home now and I am not living in the States either. I am in limbo, waiting for my taxes to be figured out and returned so I can go back to Ajijic.

The hardest part for me about being here is the necessity of spending hours of my day in a car. I hate cars. I would be happy if I never had to get in one again. Today as my friend was driving along on the freeway and the sun was beating in on us and we were surrounded by many lanes of other fast moving cars, I felt a sense of panic. I wanted out. I just wanted to be able to walk from place to place. I didn't care where. I wanted out of the car world. I wanted grass and dirt around me instead of asphalt. A simpler life.

There are always unexpected expenses and problems with cars. Today my friend had a nail in her tire for the second time in two days.  So we spent an hour or so waiting in a very depressing room surrounded by tires and that awful tire smell until it was fixed. While we were waiting we were treated with stale popcorn and coffee that had been sitting in the pot all day. Ugh. 

Last week my son's electronic car window broke half way up and that cost three hundred dollars to fix. Then a couple of days later his electronic opener fell off his key chain and into his trunk. That cost another two hundred dollars to fix. So, within three days he had to spend five hundred dollars on unexpected car problems, with nothing to show for it except a working car. I could almost live on that amount of money for a month in Mexico. I hate cars and car problems but in the States, in large cities, they are almost a necessity.  So, here I wait....... The longer I am here, the more depressed I am becoming. That is why I haven't been doing my blog lately. Sorry.

Taking Care of Business

I continue to have problems adjusting to the pace of life in the States. Maybe it is just because I am in a large city. But people are so busy here, always in a hurry. There is no time to just BE. It is all DOING. At least that is my impression.  Yesterday I was waiting in a grocery store for my friend to finish her shopping. I watched all the people rushing in and out of the store. That is a far cry from the Wednesday market in Ajijic where half the fun of shopping is running into friends and spending quality time with them. No hurry; no worry.

I think my blood pressure has gone up a few points. I feel it. I get stressed easily. I feel overwhelmed by life here. I have lived in the States all but the last two and a half years and I have already forgotten how to live here. Maybe I never fit in here. But I do feel at home in Mexico. Life is easier for me there. Much easier. I am considering going even further south, down to Guatemala. I will take that trip after I return to Mexico. A friend has been e mailing me about Lake Atitlan. He says it is more beautiful than Lake Chapala. He says the people are friendlier there and things are cheaper. I already feel like I have found my paradise in Ajijic. I am not expecting to move to Guatemala but a trip would be nice. New photos of a different lake.

As soon as I finish with my business here (taxes) I will be on the plane to Mexico. I will miss my family and friends here. A good thing about living close to Guadalajara is the airport. It is quick and easy to travel back and forth from there. For today, another trip to the Bins......

Suzanne is Looking for a House Mate